The hat philosophy

The fate of Mr. Hat now enables me to put an intuitive name on an entire branch of philosophy known to me to exist but heretofore unnamed. It will, today, be called the hat philosophy.

So what does the fate of Mr. Hat have to do with philosophy anyway? Before answering that question, it would be important to know the history and ultimate fate of Mr. Hat.

It is one of the great mysteries of humanity that clothing communicates some message about the people underneath. Uniforms, hats being one component of them, are no exception. The uniform makes a person something they are not when they do not wear it. Nurses, soldiers, train engineers, chefs, and circus clowns can take off their uniforms and become ordinary people just like the rest of us… okay, maybe clowns are still clowns… But with their uniforms on, they are authoritatively who they appear to be based on their clothing. The ID card might make them ‘official’ or government-approved, but it’s the uniform that makes a pilot a pilot… Isn’t it?

Hats have a long history of being parts of uniforms. In fact, the Hat Act of 1732 was a contributing factor in the first American revolution. Really, it would really be more proper to call it the first American hat revolution. Indeed, it was the hat philosophy that changed in America that led to the revolution, a point I’ll make clear in a moment.

Starting in the 1800’s, it became common for passenger railroad workers to wear a certain style of hat. Given nearly 100 years of railroad hat history, it should come as no surprise that hats became a standard feature of passenger airline uniforms in the 1900’s. When I started working as an airline pilot in 1996, I was issued a hat (which I had to pay for, by the way) and required to wear it. I have been under orders to wear Mr. Hat ever since.

Now all this talk of uniforms probably has you thinking that the hat philosophy has something to do with uniforms. I suppose it does, but only having earned its proper name from this particular application. Many issues are governed by the hat philosophy and there are actually two sides to the hat philosophy. The hat philosophy can be summed up best by stating its prevailing side:

“We can’t get rid of the hat.”

This is something that everyone knows is true. We all hate it, but we know it’s true. We can’t change our course, we can’t choose based on our evaluation of the facts or mere emotion, we’re simply resigned to a life with Mr. Hat. Yes, it’s fun to talk about getting rid of Mr. Hat. We dream of running him over with a fully loaded airplane, or throwing him into a running jet engine, only to laugh at his demise as we arrogantly display our exposed heads in the terminal. But we can’t seriously propose getting rid of the hat. We just can’t.

There is another side to the hat philosophy, though. Occasionally, you’ll find the rare soul who, despite the fact that we can’t get rid of the hat, insists that we should. This idea is so absurd, only a crazy person would actually suggest it with a straight face. In fact, even the nutcase who suggests it is probably smirking. But there are these visionaries, err dreamers, who know things the rest of us can’t possibly comprehend. They know, deep down inside, that it’s possible to be an airline pilot without having to wear Mr. Hat. Some might just know this by utopian instinct, others because they’ve embarked on a thorough academic study of the potential impact of retiring Mr. Hat. Regardless, these few individuals who relentlessly advocate the truly insane position of hatless uniforms are the ones who wind up changing the world.

These things take time, though. I have been paired up with Mr. Hat, thanks to the prevailing hat philosophy, for over 11 years. There were whole generations of pilots before me who lived entire careers with Mr. Hat. Mr. Hat is an inescapable fact of life.

Correction… Mr. Hat was an inescapable fact of life… until today when I received this email from our chief pilot:

“Attached is a Flight Operations Memo that changes our current uniform requirements. Effective immediately, uniform hats will no longer be worn. The wearing of the hat is not optional.”

Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pleasure, and even a bit of shock, that I announce that the 2nd American hat revolution has been won! After years of advocacy, a regime change has occurred and we will now forge into uncharted territory as hatfree crewmembers. The insanity of rejecting the hat has now been replaced by the insanity of wearing one.

I say this is the 2nd American hat revolution because the first one already happened. Everyone knew you couldn’t beat the British, and even if you could, what would a nation be without a big strong government, Hat Act included? The idea of fighting a revolution against the world’s undisputed superpower to form an impossibly free nation with no manufacture, sale and export restrictions on hats was crazy and impossible. In fact, it was almost as crazy and impossible as trying to persuade an airline manager that there could be such a thing as a pilot without a hat. It turns out, crazy and impossible isn’t so crazy and impossible after all.

Good bye Mr. Hat, and thanks for the philosophy lesson…

V-