Apologies in advance for the length (and occasional language \/ adult themes). This was just too funny not to pass up. This explains a bit about me… \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n
This came from Retired UAL Pilots website.
\nCheap Bastards<\/p>\n
When my company hired me two decades ago, one of the first things I noticed
\nabout many of my fellow pilots was that they were cheap bastards. I consider
\nthis to be a compliment to my fellow aviators.<\/p>\n
These pilots were not cheap when it came time to splitting the dinner bill,
\nas they were all quite gracious in paying up. As a new guy, I had many meals
\nand drinks bought for me by the captains I flew with. “I don’t want your
\nmoney, just do this for your copilots when you’re a captain”, they would
\nsay. A friend of mine had one captain sternly make him take back the money
\nhe had just given the captain, for the prior evenings’ dinner bill. They
\nwere in the cockpit when the captain thrust the money back at the copilot
\nand said, “God damn it, I told you I didn’t want any fuckin money and when I
\nsay I don’t want your fuckin money, that means I don’t want your fuckin
\nmoney! We have two more days of flying together dip s hit and if I see one
\nfuckin red cent come out of your pocket, I will cut your dic off and use it
\nfor a pitot tube!” A fraction of a second later the senior flight attendant
\nburst into the cockpit and screamed, “Everything you just said went over the
\npublic address system, stop talking!” The captain had been resting his hands
\non the center console, where the radio panels are. He had accidentally
\npushed the transmit button on the console, giving all 150 people on board a
\nfront row seat to his dialogue. He was mortified. Both pilots looked down
\nthe center aisle of the cabin and saw 300 eyeballs bulging out of people’s
\nheads in disbelief. They had not left the gate yet, and had another four
\nhours with these people. The captain performed an emotional Mea Culpa,
\nhoping an offended passenger would not file a complaint.<\/p>\n
Hotels offer a plethora of freebies that end up in the homes of pilots.
\nThere are soaps, shampoos, lotions, sewing kits, amenity kits, and other
\nthings of strategic value. On the nightstands in hotel rooms, there usually
\nis a pad of stationary and a cheap pen. The stationary pads are commonly
\nfound in the cockpits, on the built in clipboards, but the pens are too
\nvaluable to leave behind. If there are free newspapers at the front desk, we
\nare certain to take one. At some of the better hotels you can find a
\nnewspaper and a Wall Street Journal at the same time, major score.<\/p>\n
There is the story of the pilot who finally sends his first child off to
\ncollege. The young adult returns for the holidays and proceeds to tell the
\nparents everything they have learned. The parents are told many things, but
\ntheir child was most impressed by learning that most bars of soap are
\nactually very big and shampoo comes in bottles that are bigger than their
\nthumb. Being raised on hotel toiletries brought home by the student’s
\nfather, the young person was ignorant to this important part of life, only
\nbecause the father, a pilot, was a cheap bastard.<\/p>\n
Discounts and deals abound in the pilot world. Almost every airport eatery
\nand hotel restaurant offers a percentage off of whatever we purchase to eat.
\nThere are coupons for free drinks or buffets. I have seen 50% off in some
\nplaces, which none of us can pass up. I was at a coffee shop in a layover
\nhotel recently, getting ready to head to the airport. The young woman
\nworking the counter got me my coffee and handed me two big chocolate chip
\ncookies for free. Of course I shyly refused, but she insisted that I take
\nthe cookies. “You never know when you might get hungry”, She said. I was
\ntrying to smile and not drool at the same time. This treatment is not
\nunusual. I was walking through the Cincinnati airport once, when a worker at
\nthe Mrs. Fields Cookies counter waved me over. “You can have all the left
\nover cookies for five dollars”, the counter person said. I walked away with
\nthree bags of cookies and boasted about my good deal for weeks after. I had
\nrealized that the cookies kiosk was closing and instead of throwing the
\ncookies away, they would offer them all at a price no pilot could refuse. I
\nscored those bags of cookies several times but got so sick of them, that I
\neventually refused the good deal. The same thing happened in Buffalo New
\nYork one night. We were doing a turn around, so we were there for about an
\nhour. I ran down to the cafeteria and ordered some wings. The man working
\nthe counter asked if I wanted extra wings. I said, “Sure, sounds good”. He
\nbrought out three large to go boxes of wings, mild, medium, and hot. We
\nstuffed ourselves. When ordering a meal where the food is scooped up in a
\npredetermined amount, the generous workers dishing out the food usually add
\na partial scoop more, smiling at us while they do it. I have never seen a
\npilot tell them to take it back.<\/p>\n
There is a good chain of communication amongst pilots, allowing us to share
\nthe free things or good deals in our layover cities. A fellow pilot told me
\nabout free coffee at the hotel coffee shop in Boston. He said, “You have to
\nbe in uniform to get the free coffee”. I mentioned this to my copilot the
\nevening we arrived at that hotel. The next morning I was in the lobby of the
\nhotel studying the subway map. We had the entire day off and I was
\ninterested in visiting a museum. I was surprised to see the copilot walk by
\nin his uniform, seven hours before we were to be picked up. He marched over
\nto the coffee shop and picked up a free cup of coffee, saving himself about
\n$2.50. “You make me proud”, I said. He smiled, held up the free cup of Joe
\nin a salute, and then proceeded to pick up a newspaper someone left on a
\nchair. He went back to his room, drank free coffee and read a free paper. It
\ndoesn’t get much better than that.<\/p>\n
I worked the Hawaiian operation for several years. Our layover hotel was at
\na gargantuan hotel complex with three, forty story towers. Through the
\ngrapevine, I had found out that the rooftop of every tower had a hot tub on
\nit with an ice chest of soda next to it. Access to the rooftop was limited
\nto the expensive business rooms on the upper floors. This was by no means a
\ndeterrent to us pilots. I discovered that if I took the elevator as high as
\nI could go without using a room key, I could then take the stairwell up the
\nremaining floors, to the rooftop. I was not interested in the hot tub, but
\ndrinking a free soda and taking in the incredible view from forty stories
\nup, was great. I spent many hours up there over those years and never saw
\nanother person on that roof. On my way down one day I decided to take the
\nelevator from the highest floor. As I walked towards the elevator I saw a
\ndoor open to what looked like a lounge. I walked into the room and realized
\nthis was a suite converted into the business club lounge.<\/p>\n
The suite was gorgeous, fronting the ocean, filled with food, drinks,
\nnewspapers, and a self-serve bar. The best part of this situation was
\nrealizing that there were no hotel employees in t he room. I was alone with
\nplatters of food, free drinks, and 24 hours off. I settled in like I owned
\nthe joint. I left two hours later, only when another hotel guest entered the
\nroom. I went back many times, but one day, when I walked in, I saw a woman
\nsitting behind a desk. “Good afternoon sir, can I assist you?” she said. I
\nwanted to say, “Yeah, can you just go away from this good deal I have?” I
\nremained calm and said, “I am trying to find my boss, and I was told to meet
\nhim here.”<\/p>\n
“Oh, no problem, what is his name, I can look him up and contact him.” she
\nsaid.<\/p>\n
I was digging myself into a hole. I politely refused her help and left
\nquickly. I could tell she was eyeing me suspiciously. When I got to the
\nelevators, I turned around to smile at her. Next to every elevator were a
\nbig bowl of tropical fruit and a stack of newspapers. In an act of defiance,
\nI picked up a papaya, a mango, and a Wall Street Journal while smiling. The
\nelevator arrived quickly and I left. I c alled the front desk and asked when
\nthe business lounge was staffed. I was told that at 4:30 every afternoon,
\nthe business lounge was staffed. I had my answer. From then on I made sure I
\nnever spent time in that room after 3:00.<\/p>\n
I spread the word about the rooftop and lounge to my fellow pilots. One of
\nmy fellow pilots brought his wife with him on a trip to Honolulu. He
\nconvinced the wife to go to the rooftop with him and sit in the hot tub. It
\nwas a beautiful night and they ended up having sex, then more sex, then
\nrunning around the rooftop naked. Just as they were getting back to putting
\ntheir clothes on, a security team came out onto the roof. Both parties were
\nsurprised as hell to see each other. The pilot apologized to the security
\nteam as he was putting his clothes on, grabbed a couple of free sodas and
\nleft with his humiliated and unhappy wife.<\/p>\n
There was a time when most airlines served good food, especially in first
\nclass. I am allowed to sit in first class w hen I travel off duty. The pass
\nsystem at my company allows me to travel unlimited times a year. Some years
\nago a pilot told me that over the weekend he took his wife and children on a
\nflight that was a round trip flight to another city. He flew out on the
\nfirst leg enjoying a nice lunch and free drinks in first class. They were on
\nthe ground for an hour before the same aircraft with the pilot and his
\nfamily still on it, returned to its point of origin. He and his family
\nenjoyed a first class dinner on the way back, the children enjoying a few
\nice cream sundaes. That was how they spent their day and evening, enjoying
\nfree food, drinks, desserts, and movies. The monthly food bills were less
\nthan normal because the pilot was uncanny in his ability to be a cheap
\nbastard.<\/p>\n
Not that long ago I was riding to a hotel for a layover. Across the street
\nfrom my hotel I saw a sign on the marquis of another hotel advertising free
\nwireless Internet. My monthly schedule requests were due th e next day and I
\nneeded Internet access to send my requests in. Instead of paying for the
\nservice in my hotel, I walked across the street that next morning to use the
\nfree Internet at the other hotel. I walked past the lobby and sat in a
\npublic area near a fireplace that had couches and coffee tables. As I was
\nbooting up my computer I saw a large urn of coffee across the room. “What
\nthe heck” I thought, it’s just a cup of coffee. I got up and fixed myself a
\nlarge cup of coffee, just the way I like it. I was working on my computer
\nwith a solid Internet connection, drinking my coffee, when a hotel employee
\napproached me. “Sir, the breakfast buffet is now open, would you like me to
\nshow you what we have this morning?” she said. Without the slightest
\nhesitation, I said, “Why that would be great, thank you.”
\nI proceeded to make myself a waffle, gather a plate of eggs and bacon, a
\nglass of juice, and a container of strawberry banana yogurt. I was still
\nthere three hours later when the y closed down the breakfast area. I was
\nasked if I would like anything else, so I asked if I could take a snack to
\ngo. I have shared this nugget with many of the pilots I fly with and they
\ntoo have enjoyed a scrumptious morning buffet, across the street.<\/p>\n
This story could go on and on as there are endless examples of pilots being
\ncheap bastards, but there is one last example I would like to share with
\nyou.<\/p>\n
About 16 years ago, I was an engineer on the Boeing 727. The captain brought
\na bag onboard at the beginning of our trip. He handed me the paper bag and
\ntold me to put it in a safe place. When we got to our destination that
\nnight, he asked me for the bag. During our four-day trip, each day would
\nstart out the same, he would hand me the bag, I would put it out of harms
\nway, and he would ask for it at the end of the day. On the last day he
\nhanded as he handed me the bag, I heard the clinking of glass. “Be careful
\nwith that,” he said. I asked him what was in the bag. He told me there were
\nabout ten light bulbs in the bag. I asked him why he carried all of these
\nlight bulbs around. He said to me, “I take the burned out light bulbs from
\nhome and exchange them with the working light bulbs in our hotel rooms.” I
\nwas at a loss for words, but I remember thinking that this guy is one cheap
\nbastard.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Apologies in advance for the length (and occasional language \/ adult themes). This was just too funny not to pass up. This explains a bit about me… \ud83d\ude42 This came from Retired UAL Pilots website. Cheap Bastards When my company hired me two decades ago, one of the first things \u2026 Continue reading